I miss normal.

But do i even remember what that is anymore?

I'm on this round-the-world search for myself, and so far I haven't come up with much. People say you have to hit rock bottom before you can start going up again, but i've done that, and now i'm floundering around, trying to move in some sort of upward fashion, and not making much progress. It's a continual "I'll start tomorrow" mindset, where today's just not going right, but tomorrow it'll be a new day, a new chance to take a step in the right direction, that it'll turn out alright if i just hang in there.

And i try to be pro-active. I make lists. i even write them down, check-box style. But still the boxes go unchecked, and rewritten over and over again. The only goal i can actually accomplish is food shopping. I do love food shopping.

My main goal for year one was to get my Dive Master Cert. DONE. now what? I've got seven more months in this country, i can't get up the drive to work on year two, which now i'm starting to debate even doing (maybe i'll switch it for something else. but what?) Cairns is no thriving metropolis, and this slow season/ no jobs available is driving me stir crazy.

I've been doing a lot of talking about getting my Dive Instructor Certification, which i will probably do. But i keep thinking about how if i am doing that, i can't work, and i need money, so what am i going to do? If i do, at least it will keep me focused and driven for a short period of time.

That's the thing. I have nothing to do. And i'm going mad because of it. Even when i was doing my Dive Con Internship, i wasnt making money, and i wasn't doing much else, but i felt like i have some sort of purpose here. At this point, i live for making food for dennis and myself. I've been baking everyday: cinnamon buns, bagels, brie on fresh baked bread. I love doing it, but it's just not exactly what i would call fulfilling. And i think if dennis wasn't around to eat my creations, i probably wouldn't even be baking. I'd be doing nothing at all.

I dont know. I think my main thing right now is that i've lost all motivation. There's nothing lighting the fire under my ass. Which reminds me of this little ditty, which explains my predicament:


Purpose. It’s that little flame,
That lights a fire under your ass.
Purpose. It keeps you going strong
Like a car with a full tank of gas

I don’t know how I know,
But I’m gonna find my purpose.
I don’t know where I’m gonna look,
But I’m gonna find my purpose.
....
Gotta find out.
Don’t wanna wait.
Got to make sure that my life will be great.
Gotta find my purpose.
Before it’s too late.
....
What will it be? Where will it be?
My purpose in life is a mystery.
Gotta find my purpose.
Gotta find me.